Thanks Artyczar.
Friday morning I was writing a post, then I didn't send it, it's not fair that I talk about it, my fears, problems regrets, (about the screams, torments, threats, hatred that we received for no reason when he was 5 years old from my father, instead of protection or encouragement, but talking about this is useless and probably his actions were not always wanted), disappointments, but I'm afraid, and I don't find outlets or ideas,
sometimes encouragement, even a word could be important,
perhaps the kindest words I have received from you, online, therefore, for me you are friends, family.
I am very afraid for my mother, 8/9 days she felt a ball, in my mother's parental branch we have a predisposition.
In all, prevention is the thing that really works,
I was convinced that the mammogram was going to be done with my sister but when she turned 70, she was no longer gone, she hadn't done it for 4 years, so now she is doing checks etc, hopefully good. I love her, ok let's hope so.
I got cut, split gum, where I am missing a tooth, now a piece of gum oscillates, (at 11 I had begged my father to go to the dentist, my teeth were all crooked and I started talking covering my mouth and not smiling, thing done all my life, I told him that I needed dentist, and that I would like braces, do not be ashamed anymore and speak well, I could not say them for the front teeth, crooked and giant, he said no, use those teeth, spacing to spit at people ...............
I wish I hadn't been ashamed, not wasted my life, had braces, or lost my hair even 3 or 4 years later, or had a normal nose, rino
I believe that something, at least one of the things I dreamed of, graduating and moving to a city leaving the country where I have bad memories and never happy moments, when I was not there I had better moments
I spent my whole life from about 11 years onwards without smiling because I was ashamed to show my smile, I wanted to smile and make people smile, from 22 I was also ashamed to show my hair, so to show myself,
so only at the time I went, I went for the first time at about 21 or 22 years old, as a dentist who knew my parents at that time, they had taken up a kiosk with my brother (who then left it and before giving it my sister was there with me at the dentist) she took newspapers in installments, however a tooth hurt, I thought you could cure and then ask for the others, cleaning and being able to straighten them fix them, I really wanted to intervene as long as I had them all, she made me open my mouth and said (mouth it's a complete disaster, the tooth needs to be removed)
we extract, you have a tooth to remove,
I did not want to extract, before asking others, a visit, perhaps with machinery, I did not expect to remove it suddenly and without indications for the future, advice because one thing I was sure of and that lost the first one had all gone.
The thing, and that the tooth did not come out, lasted an hour extraction was strong but nothing, I just wanted to say, enough but I did not breathe, that my first panic attack, extracted the tooth he said, also the one on the side is from remove (at that point the only thing that made sense, the one next to me was the one that hurt me, so that one went out in a second,) did not talk about reconstructions or anything else but said about the roots in the extraction maybe they are broken, go to the hospital for x-ray, done, the roots actually broke during extraction (at that moment I entered his office for the first time,
here I discovered that he had the bust of Mussolini and other horrors, so if I had been lucky enough to see him before, to find that door open for a breath of wind I would have run away and maybe it was better, or maybe it was late anyway that I had treated them badly too long and as a child at home there was too much co cola until I realized it was shit and he listened to me at the hundredth request not to take it, however the bust stuff is absurd because the things I always hated in my life was that dude and a dude who made a party, and as payment for the teeth removed dentist proposed electoral cards, I asked to pay, when I found words (it was a moment when I no longer wanted to speak, nor scream but only cry or disappear) luckily I was able to speak and I paid,), but I never went back there or from other dentists (and so now my mouth is a complete disaster ..) I had a phobia, and also discomfort for the needles, this had passed me for a period but now it is part of and the terror I have for a dentist, especially a pause from surgery, but maybe that was small.
this story of Egypt, minors and the police does not make sense, however it is true and that sometimes absurd coincidences such as these or more have occurred which, however, affected personally and then it is difficult even if
I am especially ashamed because maybe many faults are mine alone, that in reality there are much more serious things to feel bad about, and not bullshit, I for caxxate I am self isolated, condemned, even if sometimes I really tried
, but absurd coincidences also happen on things that are very important to me and even improbable,
this of the premier and the dentist and to say that actually that the guy who then ruled my country ruining it for about 20 years I was unfortunately right,
when I was a little boy watching TV I said that guy looks like a thief and a criminal (I didn't know about pedophilia) they won't be able to vote for him seriously, because they make him do all this, instead they voted him and then voted and I found one person in the world who instead of money wanted to promote a guy and party cards, of one who 10 years later that inauspicious day called the police because he arrested a Moroccan underage prostitute who he had released before the checks because she had left a party at his villa, an Italian premier (all age 73 or 75) called the police and said that the girl arrested was the granddaughter of the Egyptian premier and that diplomatic war would break out if they did not release her.
this stuff is absurd and does not make sense here, but it is really absurd and nothing, perhaps it is that to think that the world can be tragic but also grotesque, and absurd, so maybe a fake funny can help not to take it or to remember that life can being a tragedy as a comedy and then and trying to really live it maybe he wasn't wrong, maybe I was more disgusting to myself than to the whole world (only 80%), that is, that I wanted to be judged for my actions and not just for my appearance and being afraid of having even one chance in life blocked me and really prevented me from doing something (but scream and feel that you are worth nothing and therefore you cannot try to do what you would like to do but horrible stuff and that in reality he did not bring work, spizza you, then you find yourself in 5 months, bald, big nose (since the last 3 years of school any kind of nickname for the nose but I didn't give a damn, as long as I could comb my hair, then .. ), and almost toothless .. then it goes b ene, you understand that giving up life, giving your best is the real mistake but in reality you think that you did not want who knows what, it is scary not to be accepted or insulted sorry
and sometimes it was close and otherwise I could have tried to help my mother if she wanted, so I'm very sorry now for this), then sometimes you lose the moment and some things you can't get over them anymore, and only with a cold mind you realize that in reality I was still lucky and I shouldn't have complained.
it does not matter I just hope that it seems to me that she can be well, nobody really deserves to feel bad and then she is good, she could have had a peaceful life and that really, we were both subjected and isolated, never listened to and mortified and deprived little by little of all merit and hope, road.
Then you get used to nonsense and when you hope that things will go better, the earth suddenly landslide.
Here I should talk about drawing, for 3 days the time I used to draw I preferred to spend it in bed or looking at the wall or the black screen, but then a little bit I started drawing again, that these things are too boring, better to draw, even if I don't care much or try to improve, at least for now.
sorry for the nonsense
