last things and other things.

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Hermes, thank you very much for the kind words, I really appreciate it, it's always incredible that people and artists I admire a lot like you and the others on creativespark and wetcavans find something good in my drawings
I made some of them a few days ago but I'm putting them all in now because the computer makes noise and sometimes turns off, writing from the computer is easier for me than from the iPad also because I don't know English and on the PC it's easier to use the translator.
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it was a much longer post
at forty would it be stupid and useless (would I waste money that I don't have and wouldn't I still find a job due to my age if I end up?) to go back to university? but I'm not even sure for what and where.
once this post is published, it will no longer be possible to edit it after an hour even if I'm ashamed of it?
it was a much longer post
at forty would it be stupid and useless (would I waste money that I don't have and wouldn't I still find a job due to my age if I end up?) to go back to university? but I'm not even sure for what and where.
once this post is published, it will no longer be possible to edit it after an hour even if I'm ashamed of it?
You can not edit posts after an hour after posting. Don't be ashamed of your wonderful talents! ♥️
Bongo, Ayin, thanks for looking and for the kind and encouraging words.
Ayin, Thanks for the clarification for the publication, then I understood correctly about the modification, sometimes I would like to write things, I like to talk to people on the forum but then I think about the fact that the internet however means that something will remain forever, which is in the public domain, maybe in 6 months or a minute I will be ashamed of something I said or I consider it more private and would like to remove it.
I didn't think about the drawings even though at the beginning I hadn't shown them to anyone and when I signed up on a forum I waited to post because I didn't feel like it initially, I started posting out of regret and only not having discovered wetcavans first and then creativespark because both are amazing and the closest thing ,similar to friends or family.
I was asking why regarding the things written, my mistakes, mistakes in life, for example in life I behaved badly with people who were or would have been sincere friends while I had tried to be good friends with those who I later discovered were happy if I felt bad or failed, with those who don't want you to be well but only something or that in any case you will be worse off than them. this influenced me in some mistakes but it doesn't justify that I was an asshole, or I distanced myself from those who were kind to everyone or even to me, sometimes maybe I would have liked to form groups or meet more people but at 21 years old I lost my hair and I was so ashamed of my appearance that I ended up hiding, giving up things during the period in which you build yourself as a person. above all I am ashamed of the fact that in the last 3 years or so I have tried to make my mother's morale positive, not to make her break down due to health problems but then a few months ago I started crying and shouting at my sister because about 14 years ago few weeks after I had finished taking the first year of nursing lessons, while I was in the summer exam session and in a few days I was going to the internship my sister called me saying that I had to host my mother for a few days who wanted to go on holiday for a few days in her city of origin but that trip had been canceled and she was sorry about it and it was good that she was away from my father for a few days which made me feel bad, in fact he always made my mother feel bad and me too, I have been bad with my father since when I was 5 years old, at 26 I was studying nursing because I hoped to fulfill myself, do a useful job but above all no longer stay in the same house and in the same town as my father, but then I felt it every day and I often went home with my parents because if I was there it seemed to me that they were more peaceful, dad was less of an asshole, more calm at least while he was younger.
However, I threw the past of 14 years ago against my sister because I initially told her that I first had to take an exam fifteen days after that phone call, I needed an exam to be able to access the third year the following year and attend the second year in good order. the internship, furthermore it was very hot and it would be better if he came after or at least after I took the exam, he insisted and I said ok but I hoped mum would understand and before coming I called her on the phone but in a reproachful tone she told me, but still exams, I thought she was happy so I destabilized myself, I told him ok come straight away, problem and then many coincidences happened and basically exam that I was missing I never did but I didn't even try to do it because the rules that they had given us said that the deadline for taking the exams was March, the March in which you attended the second year, so every year you had 2 winter sessions and one summer session, they had also given us the dates with exams in February and March, in January the lessons of the first year semester and also the internship had ended and therefore you only had 2 months of exams, but the very year in which I attended the second year the regulations had changed which gave the deadline the last day of January and no longer March, so those two months had disappeared, there was only one appeal in January but they didn't tell us about the new regulation except during that exam in which I remained in the middle of the road for hours due to the transport strike right in that day, 40 of them were in my situation and without promotion they lost a year that day, but they helped, I finally arrived but I found a different attitude, the exam had 2 subjects but things happened that in the end I was in confusion and panic and I didn't go to the second one matter and so I wasted a year without trying, they said they would put another appeal it was still mid-January but they didn't do it, I wanted to move and not go back there but there was a requirement for a vaccine no longer used in my city, I wanted to do it but no one answered me how to just bring it to them and the local health authority but they replied no we don't have it, so they sent me into despair and brought
because since then I don't know what to do anymore. another stupid mistake, and that I felt bad because I had been told that when you turned 30 they wouldn't take, so when I was 31 or 32 I thought I wanted to start again but now what can I do and then anyway with the vaccine how do I do it, but not it was more in demand but I no longer thought about it to see why thinking about those years hurt me too much because I believe that if I took that exam I would have had a job, instead I realized that as a boy I was ashamed of my appearance and I thought that therefore the rest was useless but then in reality it happened that I wasted the years, life of acquiring skills and work and maybe in the end people think that I suck not because of my appearance but because I have never had a stable job and because I don't have a qualification. I only went to school and with the minimum grades because it wasn't the school I had chosen and up to the third grade the grades were good but in the last 2 years I became perhaps the last one in the class.
so often in life I have heard from strangers or actually from my father that I am very stupid, but I didn't even care, I would have just wanted a normal appearance, now instead I would have liked to have done that exam and the certification because if I did it and then I found a job, the last 12 years would have been much better, I would have been able to achieve something or in any case feel better.

yesterday in the message I edited, I wrote the following, he remained on my PC before he turned off.
I wrote down the doubt I still had after all these years but I don't know.


at forty would it be stupid and useless (would I waste money that I don't have and wouldn't I still find a job due to my age if I end up?) to go back to university? but I'm not even sure for what and where.

I would like to have resumed for 10 years but not to start from 0 but to continue from the exams taken and above all from the internship, I was in nurses
I didn't do it because I wanted to do it in another place but I had already moved and there they wanted an internship that they had to give me in my town but they didn't want to do it for me there saying that it was no longer administered by them but without it I couldn't start the internship and therefore I was wasting another year and I didn't know what to do and I quit.
therefore they had only recognized partial exams because they had changed and fewer hours of internship because unlike where I did it in various places in the first year there were fewer, (if it had been like this I would not have wasted a year and I would have graduated because I didn't have access to the third year for an exam and the hours of training were many and in doing so I hurt myself physically, accidents and also emotionally, for some episodes and it hurt me that I did all 100 days while some like mine roommates and other boys had all the signatures going only twice because a boy said in his department that with training he was unable to study and help them, it is wrong to judge but this happens to some and I was not able to print notes from 2 of the 3 exams out of the 9 that I missed but above all they had given us regulations which indicated the deadline for March but it was changed to September of the second year)
On the one hand I was sorry to have left my studies but I didn't see a solution because I had wanted to leave that place and move but I couldn't start an internship there and for exams I had to wait until the end of the second semester because I transferred but they said it there after I took the exam but it wasn't transcribed .
on the one hand I wanted to continue but on the one hand it seemed useless to me and I was now ashamed of myself. On the one hand however I didn't want to give up also because I had no prospects, only that words were buzzing around me, words that in 30 years I wouldn't have found a job that they told me when they were at the first one and I wanted to change seats since unfortunately I had chosen, I ended up in the location which was poorly made and to be avoided.

except that I haven't renewed my membership for more than 10 years so I lapsed about 5 years ago,
so I can't sign up again, or ask for a transfer if not immediately, not even in a year, nothing, I'd have to do the selection test from scratch somewhere and hope that they validate the internship and some exams, but I only have fragments, I would care more about the internship but I don't know if they would validate that if they don't validate sufficient credits, exams were also changed immediately afterwards because when I signed up there were 21 exams but then they made a regulation that passed them to less than 20 for the three-year courses.
Joe, thanks for sharing all that. I can understand your feelings. I also understand your apprehension about posting. If you feel you want to take this particular post down, please message me, and we can work it out since it's personal. I will understand. Until then, It's a courageous thing to share on the forum with me and others, and your friends here. We care about you.

Was nursing something you always wanted to do, or was that something your family wanted for you so you could get a good job? I was just thinking that maybe some things got in the way that weren't your fault, but also maybe your passions were in artistic matters. I know that art is not a great paying "job," but you are so talented and always getting better and better. I wish your parents knew this. They should be proud of you and you should not feel ashamed of anything. And especially things out of your control. You are a good person.

I recently have been loving this lyric by Radiohead: "The best you can is good enough."

I like the sheep best and your drawings are full of character. That could not be if you had no character.
Don’t beat yourself up: there are things we all do that we are vastly ashamed of but we have to remember we are changed and would not repeat them. The cost of learning life is tough but I think it important to learn. Above all, we have to learn to forgive ourselves: we are growing, not grown. You are learning to draw in leaps so be proud of your accomplishments.