Highly Sensitive Person o People– HSP ? if it's something officially confirmed?

[joe1It]

warning, some keys on the keyboard are not working well so I'm trying to correct the errors but what I type may be incomprehensible.
among the posts that instagram highlights or suggests to you days ago I read one that talked about it.
I hadn't heard of this before, I was wondering if it's something that is scientifically recognized,
does it really count from genetics? in small or large percentage.

other than the things that the article mentions as characteristics of the people that fall into that if the thing is really classifiable (I mean them as, there are various types of characters including these things)
, however, some or all of these things, and the fact that as a child the teachers, the lines, is a very sensitive child .. and I still had that sentence, 2 episodes from about ten years ago which I then thought of as panic attacks and that unfortunately an episode, an episode in which I had an episode in which I felt blocked and upset and blocked, with a memory lapse for about ten minutes so I left the classroom for the second part of an exam, which it would have been the one that allowed access to the last year, therefore a very important moment, it would have been another 2 months according to the regulation but the regulation had changed that year and that was the last appeal and they communicated it to us that afternoon, but it was not only that but some words, a whole series of coincidences, words and attitudes on that day and in the few days before that had hurt me a lot (there were a couple who hated me and were present that day, there were also those who didn't hate me or hoped I wouldn't I failed but not present on that day ), thinking maybe if I don't go I will regret it for the rest of my life but if many hope for me maybe it's right but I just want that day to end, I don't know but it was a pain that added up to a sorry sum.

However since then and even in the past I have thought about the fact that maybe I sabotaged myself, sometimes I made absurd decisions like that even though I thought it was wrong, or sought approval from people who hated me or didn't give a damn about me.

I was also wondering thinking about this if it is diagnosable or resonable at 99 . if it's something that happens it resonates
or it's something we talk about but indicatively when we identify with these things.

this intrigued me because sometimes i think i'm really bad. or i'm bad. other times i'm always in the wrong place at the wrong time.

but if that was it, then at least there is a reason for some actions i took and if the pain was so strong at times i didn't know
more what to do .
if that was ,Highly Sensitive Person or People– HSP,

I messed up and wasted my life but at least I'm not a bad person but with strengths and weaknesses like everyone else, it doesn't always depend on me if I felt I had to do things or not do them, if things embittered me, if I hate feeling that the the end justifies the means and stuff like that, I don't know, I was just wondering if
Highly Sensitive Person or People– HSP
if it's something officially confirmed.


paste and opy

What causes the high sensitivity?
High sensitivity can derive from two main factors: on the one hand, the environment in which one was born and grew up, therefore the family context to which one is exposed from the very first days of life. In other words, the education received from an early age still plays a predominant role in giving a form to high sensitivity.

However, there are genetic factors that intervene in determining specific brain characteristics of a highly sensitive individual:

a different dopaminergic response. Dopamine, a substance that regulates the so-called brain reward and therefore the sense of fulfillment and happiness, encounters greater resistance, perhaps to avoid a condition of burnout due to environmental stimulation perceived as excessive
mirror neurons characterized by a more marked activity. Mirror neurons allow for more pronounced empathy
emotions experienced more vividly. Highly sensitive people experience emotions, processed at the vitreous medial prefrontal cortex, with greater intensity and not linked to the external context or environmental stimulation
particularly strong ability to read other people. The areas of the brain responsible for social cognition work harder than usual.
What does it mean to be a highly sensitive person?
The greater sensitivity, due in part to environmental conditions and in part to the characteristics of the nervous system, is expressed in various ways. Highly sensitive adults are characterized by:

greater attention to detail, followed by deeper information processing
overstimulation and overload more easily achievable
difficulty in managing conflicts
more marked empathy, both for the people around them and for nature
faster perception of the emotional environment, with particular attention to unresolved or hidden conflicts and tensions
propensity for perfectionism, with high expectations
stress that arises when changes occur. This circumstance requires reflection and observation
escape from the noise, to find refuge in nature. Pleasure is often manifested near water or untouched nature
interest in the less material aspects of existence, reflection and introspection
strong emotional reactivity to events, even on a physical level
or

Ipersensibilità: le persone altamente sensibili (PAS) - IPSICO, Firenze

Essere molto sensibili, per predisposizione genetica, ha molti vantaggi ma anche dei costi, compreso l'alto rischio di ansia e depressione

www.ipsico.it

 

[Artyczar]

Your post is interesting Joe, but I know, even though a doctor coined this term, "HSP," it is not an official diagnostic term in the DSM (The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders).

I think what you are talking about can be the result of many different things and circumstances--anything from early childhood trauma, being on the spectrum, having a borderline personality disorder (which can also be a result of trauma), very early dysfunctional attachment (mother with baby) which can cause huge lags in resilience later in life, and generally being an "empath."

If I understand correctly, you described a few things about wanting some acceptance from the kids that you perceived as not liking you, feelings of guilt (feeling like you were bad, etc.), and perceiving what other people are thinking or believing. I don't know what kind of early childhood you had that might have led you there, but the way we think over long periods of time do embed grooves into the neuropaths of our brains. It's hard to retrain ourselves to change these paths, but possible. You might want to read up on it. I've been working on it myself for decades!

The thing about being an "empath," however, is that we are not always (usually not) correct about what other people think and feel, and you may also want to read up on borderline personality disorder, which, even though has a bad reputation, there are aspects of the disorder that are legitimately caused by trauma. Having symptoms of it does not make one a "bad person." If there are symptoms that resonate with you, don't be alarmed. And there are many things that therapists are doing to help heal the parts of this disorder that are not desirable in interpersonal relationships. One aspect of it is feeling emotions intensely, much more than others and feeling guilt about having these sensitivities.

All this being said, I found this article about the "differences" in borderline and "HSP" that was interesting, but as far as I know, HSP is not an official psychiatric diagnosis. But with anything listed or not listed in manual of mental disorders, I don't think anyone fits perfectly into any one box.

Interesting topic Joe.

 

[Hausamann]

@joe1It
Wow. I can relate to your story from my past history, especially from about 30 of so years ago.
We are all unique. My experiences has similar symptoms but may come from disimilar sources.

For me, I was also very sensitive, over reactive, often restless and irritable. I would almost sabotaged everything in my life. I would always seem to say or do things to the wrong people at the wrong time and place. But I did these these things so I had an excuse or justification for having another drink. You see, I was an alcoholic. And when I stopped drinking my sensitivity would increase so much, my fear of people and judgement esculated. It got so bad that my fears, at times, would either froze me to the spot or I would run for my life.

When I got caught out lying (eg. exaggerated a story somewhat) the fear of humiliation forced me to never admit my guilt/lie. I would argue that I was right and everybody else was wrong. By this I would humiliate myself anyway. I started to lose all my friends. I was told that I lived in denial, and once agrued the point till the truth was becoming clearer to me; and then I ran away... I thought I didn't even know what denial meant, so I looked it up in the dictionary and discovered that I already knew what it meant. This shocked me. It was a clear indication that my fears were blinding me to my own truth. That I should not trust my thinking so blindly.

I had to learn how to face my fears, little by little. Discovered that everything is not necessarily so. Had to learn to keep an open mind. Trust that during my whole life, with all its ups and downs, that deep down I was always okay; and that I will always be okay, even when I face death. Had to learn that all my fears come from me and my choices in how I perceive the world I walk through. For me, this took a very long time to see life from a totally new point of view. In my yearly years, the opposite to what I was thinking often was the better thought to follow. As time went by most of my thoughts came from better choice making.

I hope that whatever you are suffering from Joe, you will find the courage and serenity to take a risk in facing all your fears and become more fearless in your life. You will still be sensitive but for good hearty reasons. Your new found power of choice will keep the sensitivity in check _ no longer creating most of the unfounded fears of earlier times.

Thanks for your sharing. It has helped me.

 

[Enyaw]

We have to forgive ourselves, we are only man, an inperfection, not a God.

 

[JStarr]

Here's the thing: There's no test or objective DSM criteria, however, the explanations surrounding the idea of a "highly sensitive person" (actually considered medically as "sensory processing sensitivity") indicate a cluster of traits which may- or may not- be genetic or tied to childhood trauma. There's just not enough objective data on the subject yet to say one way or the other. We can't even say it *exists* because the traits, themselves, are subjective,

"And it’s important to know that being a highly sensitive person isn’t considered a mental health disorder — and that there’s no official way to diagnose someone as HSP and there’s no official highly sensitive person test...." -Cleveland Clinic https://health.clevelandclinic.org/highly-sensitive-person/

Personally, after working in health care for twenty-five years, I'd be damned careful what label I would place upon myself- they tend to nip you in the end.

 

[ntl]

You all might not be highly sensitive (allergic/reactive) to people, but rather to the chemicals they use on their bodies, their clothing, their environment.
definition of mcs (multiple chemical sensitivity)

A 1999 consensus statement recommends that MCS be diagnosed according to six standardized criteria:[4][39]

Symptoms are reproducible with repeated (chemical) exposures

The condition has persisted for a significant period of time

Low levels of exposure (lower than previously or commonly tolerated) result in manifestations of the syndrome (i.e. increased sensitivity)

The symptoms improve or resolve completely when the triggering chemicals are removed

Responses often occur to multiple chemically unrelated substances

Symptoms involve multiple-organ symptoms (runny nose, itchy eyes, headache, scratchy throat, ear ache, scalp pain, mental confusion or sleepiness, palpitations of the heart, upset stomach, nausea, diarrhea, abdominal cramping and aching joints).

This is not a fun thing at all.

 

[Artyczar]

ntl, just wanted you (and others) to know that multiple chemical sensitivity is very controversial. It is not recognized as a real medical diagnosis. You can read what Johns Hopkins has to say about it as well. However, I know that I, for one, am very sensitive to certain smells on other people (perfumes, deodorants, etc.), and certain harsh (poisonous) chemicals (paint, spirits, etc.), as other people are too. I think those things can cause lung issues as far as I'm aware, as well as runny nose, itchy eyes, headache, and scratchy throat, as you said. I don't think it is necessarily a "syndrome" as some have considered. There are some people that think there are allergic to computer devices and electricity, too, and some of these people begin all this with the self-diagnosis of MCS. Most medical doctors are in debate on this as a possible psychological issue.

 

[Hermes2020]

The natural reaction of most people is to associate a strong chemical odour with toxicity and danger, whereas there are some dangerous chemicals that do not have a strong smell. An example of a gas that is odourless, yet causes death rapidly, is nitrogen. Another example is hydrogen sulphide, which has a strong smell of rotten eggs in relatively harmless low concentrations. At higher levels, where it is extremely hazardous and even deadly, one may stop smelling it and not even be aware that it is present in the atmosphere.

 

[Artyczar]

Hermes, I'm aware of some of these things, but I don't think people who claim they have this MCS disease are speaking of those kinds of chemicals. At least, not from what I've been reading. I don't think it could be causing what Joe was originally talking about. But that's just my opinion.

 

[ntl]

ntl, just wanted you (and others) to know that multiple chemical sensitivity is very controversial.

It is not at all controversal to me and thousands upon thousands of other people. I(We) live with it, I have lived with it for a long time. It totally, permanently disabled me over 20 years ago.

It is not recognized as a real medical diagnosis.
Here is the medical billing code for chemical hyper reactivity syndrome: billing code 989.89
Toxic effect of unspecified substance, chiefly nonmedicinal as to source 989.9
I also have a list of over 35 diagnosis codes beginning with
272.7 Chemically induced lipidosis.
293.83 Mood Disorder with Depressive Features Due to Toxic Exposures
to
989.8 Toxic Effect Of Other Substances, Chiefly Non-medicinal As To Source
989.9 Toxic Effect Of Unspecified Substance, Chiefly Non-medicinal As To Source
and an extended list that includes such as
G70.1 Toxic myoneural disorders chemical substances
G72.2 Myopathy due to other toxic agents
G92 Toxic encephalopathy
J68 Respiratory conditions due to inhalation of chemicals, gases, fumes and vapors
J68.0 Bronchitis and pneumonitis due to chemicals, gases, fumes and vapors
J68.1 Acute pulmonary edema due to chemicals, gases, fumes and vapors and
J68.2 Upper respiratory inflammation due to chemicals, gases, fumes and vapors, not
elsewhere classified
There are numerous medical codes addressing responses. A person might do well to take a copy of the list –or those codes on the list that s/he thinks might be causing the response.
They’re numerous and very specific.

You can read what Johns Hopkins has to say about it as well.
I have. Remember, there’s no money in a cure. As long as we go to a doc about our illnesses, they’re happy to take our money and time...
The best thing for us to do is to avoid those chemicals, which is very difficult because they’re generally part of daily life. I have a long of symptoms that I would suffer if exposed to the appropriate trigger. I am so reactive that I live much like a hermit.

I suggest you read the following linked articles:

New ADA Guidelines for Fragrance Sensitivity Explained | Labor Law Education Center: Learn About Labor Laws in Your State

Employers need to be aware that allergies to fragrance or multiple chemical sensitivities can be disabilities under ADA, the Americans with Disabilities Act. This was amply illustrated in a recent post on McBride v. the City of Detroit that ruled senior city manager Susan McBride’s chemical...

www.laborlawcenter.com

New ADA Guidelines for Fragrance Sensitivity Posted on May 16, 2016
Employers need to be aware that allergies to fragrance or multiple chemical sensitivities can be disabilities under ADA, the Americans with Disabilities Act.

New ADA Guidelines with Fragrance Sensitivity in The Workplace - Live Webinar

It took decades for the workplace to acknowledge the dangers of smoking and to recognize the deadly effects of exposure to second-hand smoke. Once acknowledged, it was a few more years before the workplace became safe for workers from the dangers of second hand smoke.

www.linkedin.com

“...Any of these symptoms make it difficult, if not impossible, for the employee experiencing them to work efficiently.
In the extreme case where an employee’s fragrance sensitivity is severe enough to substantially limit his or her ability to perform their essential job functions, the employee may be deemed to have a disability under the Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA). If so, an employer has a duty to provide a reasonable accommodation...”

Health Risks from Perfume: The Most Common Chemicals Found in Thirty-One Fragrance Products by a 1991 EPA Study

Health Risks from Perfume: The Most Common Chemicals Found in Thirty-One Fragrance Products by a 1991 EPA Study

Immune is a mailing list, support group, and information site for peoplewith various immune-system related ailments such as: multiple chemicalsensitivities, chronic fatigue syndrome, candida, lupus, fibromyalgia,Epstein-Barr, multiple allergies, environmental illness, chemicalsensitivity, etc...

www.immuneweb.org

Common Consumer Products Contain Multiple Toxic Chemicals, New Study Shows

Hair and nail products, all-purpose cleaners and automotive products contain some of the highest numbers of chemicals.

www.nytimes.com

https://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2018/02/23/opinion/columnists/poisons-in-our-bodies.html (you can skip the quiz)

Body Burden: The Pollution in Newborns

In the month leading up to a baby's birth, the umbilical cord pulses with the equivalent of at least 300 quarts of blood each day, pumped back and forth from the nutrient- and oxygen-rich placenta to the rapidly growing child cradled in a sac of amniotic fluid. This cord is a lifeline between...

www.ewg.org

Cleaning Supplies and Household Chemicals

Cleaning is essential to protecting our health in our homes, schools and workplaces. However, household and cleaning products - including soaps, polishes and grooming supplies - often include harmful

www.lung.org

However, I know that I, for one, am very sensitive to certain smells on other people (perfumes, deodorants, etc.), and certain harsh (poisonous) chemicals (paint, spirits, etc.), as other people are too.

Those might be covered by any one of several medical codes including J68.3 Other acute and sub-acute respiratory conditions due to chemicals, gases, fumes and vapors.

I think those things can cause lung issues as far as I'm aware, as well as runny nose, itchy eyes, headache, and scratchy throat, as you said. I don't think it is necessarily a "syndrome" as some have considered.

Some of this has been addressed here, on this board, regarding safety of paints and/or solvents.
It has been suggested that one read the Material Safety Data Sheets (MSDS or SDS) of the chemicals in the products. If you read the aforementioned links, you know that toxic chemicals are in common products and by now know a person has to work to avoid them. Some people are more reactive than others, you, for instance, and some people are severely reactive to them. Me, for instance.

Johns Hopkins says not so, but I won’t be visiting them or giving them my time or money.

There are some people that think they are allergic to computer devices and electricity, too, and some of these people begin all this with the self-diagnosis of MCS. Most medical doctors are in debate on this as a possible psychological issue.

I have met a few of those people. I have seen what lengths some people go to to be safe.

 

[ntl]

Arty said:
Hermes, I'm aware of some of these things, but I don't think people who claim they have this MCS disease are speaking of those kinds of chemicals. At least, not from what I've been reading. I don't think it could be causing what Joe was originally talking about. But that's just my opinion.
As I said I live with MCS-Multiple Chemical Sensitivity and have for years. I was finally totally, permanently disabled by it over twenty years ago, and have lived pretty much isolated since. I lost my source of income, my family, church, volunteer abilities, social life, everything. I was totally done in by OTHER PEOPLE'S fragrance products, including personal care --soaps, shampoos, deodorants, lotions, fragrance products and laundry care, as well as cleaning products in the environment.

I can't determine Joe's or anyone else's status. He asked for information, I suggested this because of what he posted. There are numerous medical codes, any one or more of which might seem to address his situation. He would have to decide that, and go to his health care provider (possibly and environmental or industrial toxicologist) for guidance.

 

[Artyczar]

ntl, I am so sorry if I offended you or anyone else in any way. I was just going on what I'd been reading on Wikipedia and Johns Hopkins. I believe you have been disabled by this! I apologize!!! I didn't mean to say it wasn't real or something. And I am not a doctor. I'm pretty dense, in fact.

I have been reading some of the articles you posted and will continue to do so. I too am very sensitive to smells and odors too, on other people. Sometimes to the point of choking. I use totally organic, natural products on myself and read labels because of it. I am SO SORRY that you have an extreme sensitivity that it has disabled you. That is horrible! It makes me tear up for you. You don't deserve that! I can't even imagine. How do you get by?

I hope you can forgive me if I was coming across as insensitive. I didn't mean to. I'd like to learn more about this and the people that are suffering from it. I do know a person who moved to a place called Snowflake, Arizona because of something like this, but I don't have every detail about the situation. Have you heard of this place?

I remember back when Fibromyalgia wasn't taken seriously by doctors also. It took a long time and many people having to suffer from it before it finally was a "real" diagnosis among most medical doctors and rheumatologists. Now I can see this being a similar situation.

Also, something interesting, I was thinking about Joe's situation again and thought about how pheromones play a big part in how people are attracted to each other. If that's so, you might have a major point in what you said regarding people and relationships and their odors! I never thought about this before today! Thanks for enlightening me.

 

[ntl]

“ntl, I am so sorry if I offended you or anyone else in any way. ... I apologize!!! I didn't mean to say it wasn't real or something. ...”
No offense taken, Arty.

I have been reading some of the articles you posted and will continue to do so. I too am very sensitive to smells and odors too, on other people. Sometimes to the point of choking.
So, you are sensitive to multiple chemicals, too? (hehehe. Get it? Multiple chemical sensitivity) A large percentage of chemicals are made from petroleum as are many products in daily use.

I use totally organic, natural products on myself and read labels because of it.
Me, too, and they’re not always easy to find. Even though a product may be advertised as fragrance free it may not be appropriate for a specific person. Many people need plant based products instead of those made of petrochemicals.

I am SO SORRY that you have an extreme sensitivity that it has disabled you. .. How do you get by?
As I said, living as a hermit. I lost about everything. I avoided people, did grocery shopping in times when fewer people would be in a store, if needed, waited in hall for doctor rather in a waiting room, etc. I was fortunate that I had my own home without carpet. My furniture was all old wood—already out-gassed, etc.

I hope you can forgive me if I was coming across as insensitive. I didn't mean to.
No need to forgive, you have done nothing wrong as far as I’m concerned.

I'd like to learn more about this and the people that are suffering from it.
One of the difficulties of accepting this as a health problem is because it affects different people different ways and to different degrees. Most, but not all of my responses start with/include respiratory distress of some kind, which may or may not also include responses in other body systems.

You may be interested in subscribing to the ENVIRONMENTAL HEALTH BULLETIN, (EHB). I think it’s small, free, emailed, once a month, published by 2 people. phxhealchapter@msn.com There are probably other resources on the net.

I know a person who moved to a place called Snowflake, Arizona because of something like this, but I don't have every detail about the situation. Have you heard of this place?
Yes. I don’t know anything about it. There is also a small community north of Tucson in which lots were sold to MCS people. I don’t know anything of it, either. I think they had strict building requirements geared toward people with MCS. Never looked into either because I was in an environment that was safe for me.

I remember back when Fibromyalgia wasn't taken seriously by doctors also… Now I can see this being a similar situation.
Yes. Many unrecognized maladies go through such periods. If you want I will email you a list of all the medical codes I have. They are from 2014, so some codes may have been updated. I don’t want to put it in the forum because it is pretty long. It is helpful to know, too, that a “regular” doctor will probably not know –may not want to know all this. Seek out someone with a toxicology background, an environmental or industrial toxicologist. Google MCS/EI doctors. There used to be a few. This might be a starting point. https://myhealthmaven.com/ten-things-look-mcs-doctor/ and another,

World-Renowned Chronic MCS Doctors & Specialists In Nashville - Biologix Center for Optimum Health

A MCS Doctor is a specialist who understands Multiple Chemical Sensitivity well enough to not only comprehend the vast ranges of signs, symptoms, and stages that may indicate MCS, but also to address them effectively.

biologixcenter.com

which will probably answer a few of your questions. (I lived in Tucson, home of UofA Medical center, but finally found an MCS doc in a small town 40 miles away!)
Thank you for your response and inquiries.

 

[joe1It]

sorry if I didn't answer sooner, then the keyboard stopped working completely.
Thank you all for all the details and clarifications. and kindness.

Ayin, Jstarr, HSP," it is not an official diagnostic term in the DSM (The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders).
yes, I was wondering about this, an official diagnostic term in the DSM, I didn't think there was but from some articles I had the doubt. Understood.
thank you all.

 

[joe1It]

I agree with you, the sensations, the episodes to which I was referring can depend on many things, be framed in different things, circumstances.

Hausamann, yes, the experiences you mentioned, a sort of agitation, when I was very young I remember that in some years I could be hyperactive.
Above all the ease to get bored often, the need for stimulation, begging for some input, or looking for something that could make sense.
sometimes even agitated, this agitation, suffering, feeling of suffering and the episodes of my anger were due to my father (since I was little I heard him repeat that we sucked, that we were failures, we didn't achieve anything, I was 10 years old, up to the age of 13 at school I was between 3 or 4 with the highest grades but often at dinner I had to hear him insult us, and never an appreciation, a kind word, nothing that made me think that what I could do would have a sense or it could matter to someone, actually growing up I thought that maybe if I did badly in school I would be accepted, at least treated better by my schoolmates or play friends, some said I was a nerd or recommended, but later on, high school or university, if I did badly it was actually just worse, who said I was stupid.).
I remember a couple of episodes in which I was restless, I remember 2 particular episodes, like when I was 10 when I broke the glass of a balcony of my house, a glass door.
for the most part, however, I was very calm and avoided confrontations with others, except for a period, where if attacked I responded verbally,
, but mostly I really didn't want to clash with anyone but to get along and be accepted, even if sometimes I said that I didn't care about the opinion of others, it's something I cared about and it conditioned me.
Despite everything, unfortunately even in adulthood, as much as I could have a life of my own, I hoped for my father's blessing, but it was a lorry that blocked any road, dampened any enthusiasm,
and then if I ignored it, if my mother or one of my brothers doesn't do what he wants, then the shouts, the complaints, the spite, threats not against others but against himself, the first one who sees it hears them, this paralyzed me, I didn't want my other family members to have spite or even to hear constant complaints, blasphemies because of me.
regarding sensitivity, there are some episodes, I've always had difficulty remembering surnames or numbers, formula but other things, on the contrary, I find them easier to remember, especially if they have left their mark.
The drawing, I haven't drawn for years for what they told me.

I really loved drawing, as a child I really liked comics and copying my Disney characters after reading the comics that my brothers had had or when on Wednesdays I sometimes took Mickey Mouse, I tried to copy those characters in the afternoon in my little room as a kid until middle school, we had one hour of drawing a week, I don't blame the teacher, there's only one hour you don't apply yourself so much that it will seem like a joke anyway he opened the newspaper, smoked a cigar, alright, it was a different time and assigned a homework to bring the following week, one day I think in the eighth grade he assigned a drawing of his choice and a drawing of our favorite comic or cartoon character, by subject of his choice I made a tree, for cartoon it was something I had been doing for a while so happy with this assignment up to the eighth grade I had high grades, I worked hard enough, drawing was perhaps what I did worse anyway without infamy and without praise and I was happy for that assignment, I only received a look at the assignment and the papers returned with the words you didn't do it and laughter of my classmate who was an Italian teacher in the eighth grade had put me on the front desk with a boy to whom he said you always shout, you don't study, stay with him and do like him, which he didn't take very well, then often the Italian teacher was absent for a few minutes and they weren't good moments because I didn't want to hurt myself or hurt others and I didn't know how to handle it, nor spy on it. In any case, those words and that laugh made me think that even if I had made that drawing, perhaps it was better that I didn't draw that there must be some reason for something so he thought that drawing wasn't for me, not that I thought I'd become particularly good but I hoped to improve and maybe I would have liked art high school because it was also a way to get away from a not very nice experience regardless of grades and meet new people (initially I wanted to go to scientific high school with my best friend but then I wanted to go to any other class of the school without him or to the art high school where he wouldn't go, in the last days of eighth grade a boy who had transferred to the third year with whom I had
made friends he told me that my best friend when one day I was not at school he attacked me a lot behind my back because the new boy had told me that he hadn't used a computer for a year and one day that we were all 3 he let him use it as long as he wanted, my friend didn't say anything to me but at school, then my friend had his mother a friend of the Italian teacher, the mother taught Italian in elementary school but above all she wrote very well, for all three years she wrote the class assignment of my best friend who always knew the trace even if he never told me a trace but I always saw him copying (no one paid any attention to it, I never said it, even if for me it was an injustice and it made me suffer) and sometimes at his house his mother told me that he was writing the essay for tomorrow,). But drawing from that day no longer gave me positive sensations, only melancholy.

 

[joe1It]

However, from then until I was 25 I hurt myself several times, even without wanting to, sometimes almost self-sabotaged hoping perhaps to find the strength, dad I did as you wanted, it went badly, now please leave me alone. It's my life, I didn't say it, sometimes I told him but without being listened to, I said it kindly, but with him if you don't scream or try to cheat him, my father calms down outside the house and with scammers, he becomes a different person.
I was talking about 25 years,

I failed so much and threw my life away even though deep down when I was 25 I just wanted to make sense of it, do something I thought might be of some use and that I might like, then go back to studying. I attended nursing, by March I had to take an internship exam plus all the other exams, leaving a maximum of two, but I left 3 and the deadline for my class was not actually March but the end of January which had changed the regulation but I didn't give it away except on the one day when a session was scheduled in January, rather 2 exams with the same teacher.

it's a long and perhaps stupid story where I've made a lot of mistakes, but really, I just wanted to do something that I liked and that I believed had some use, as a study and for work I would have wanted only this, a little bit of fairness along the way, and at least one possibility, but at a certain point everything went wrong, in the end most of them would have also been kind among their classmates but a couple and only because in the sociology exam they made groups and one I ended up as group leader, I just had to help with the computers but in the end you were kind of responsible on the project, so you wasted months for an exam where then everyone took 30 and I 26 as a reward for having done an additional job that took a lot of time and because a boy who came in in January said he was looking for a house and that he was desperate, he had been in my group known for 2 hours but I said to my roommate, we both had a single room, let's help, let's host him, him, yes yes, then why it turned out that he didn't want the room, he had a house, a double room and said he had an uncle who was a nurse who therefore he wanted me to host him I don't know for how long, even my roommate didn't want anyone's uncle he understood the story but basically for 2 years this fellow student tried to take revenge on me for the fact that we hadn't hosted this alleged uncle. I always found him around with strange teasing, and nothing, little things and nonsense but in the end I ended up in an office that was a mess and because I had put this place as my first office thinking that it was well connected but from the second post or you had to do your internships in the center of Rome, all in another part and it wasn't specified, the place I had written as second was instead the one I dreamed of and it was also easy to find a job (I wasn't sure it offered job opportunities because I had read an article about the fact that it didn't fit in my nation a professional register for rehabilitation therapists, my brother, I have an older brother, he is 11 years older than me, he is much more intelligent, handsome (I lost almost all my hair at 21, this made me feel bad and I am ashamed of what there are more serious things but I have a long nose and crooked teeth that when I asked for braces my father said that I had to keep crooked teeth and spit at people, in short, my father's gifts were a kind of nightmare, he stupidly got into debt and he has a bad character, I wanted to become a better person and do a useful job but I couldn't do it and I'm sorry ), my little brother is a fantastic musician, he drove a motorbike, he was graduated with the highest, he is an archaeologist in practice, also specialization school, top marks, he had enrolled even older than me, he was 28 years old, I was 25 when I was doing nursing, he enrolled in archeology which was what his girlfriend was studying, they hoped to work together but with assets cultural it was difficult to find work so they did not find, perhaps abroad he was about to find, he was left by the girl at that time and it was a really bad blow for him, becoming friends then did not lead him to go on, then as an archaeologist he only received precarious jobs if you could find them and then everything was difficult. )



and I had made an ok score to enter but in the end I had written it as a second that I was afraid of not entering, my mother agreed that I studied but not my father, not on his terms,

, meanwhile not much support even at home, for my father who insulted us since I was little and was heavy even then and conditioned, initially he was against my going to university, or I could go but what he said even if in reality it didn't even give us the possibility of finding a job, in reality what he did in our lives had no logic and even if I didn't understand later I realized that I just had to not be influenced
operate.



13 years ago I lived for 2 years near Rome, I did the first 2 years of nursing, not the last, to attend the third year without repeating any year, I had to take 7 exams out of 9 (the regulation said all the exams every year - 2 in addition to the hours of training and the training exam,) by March they told us but instead it was January, I had done the sixth in June or early July, for the seventh, for a series of reasons and a stupid idea, which was to finish earlier the internship, focus first on the internship which had become increasingly challenging for me.

I tried to do it seriously and hoping to learn the internship and when in the second part I ended up in a ward where there was a nurse who really helps the internships a lot to learn, so I was finally very happy to do the internship after maybe moments,

(in the end, as structured to learn, this had to happen because otherwise the university is not expected to really prepare you even to measure blood pressure, there, even if nurses already have a lot to do and are not paid to be our bay, however you only learned if this happened to you, otherwise at the most they would tell you steal with their eyes, or maybe there were many of us, or it happened that they needed us due to a drop in staff to make certain personnel replacements.

) but after a couple of days they changed my department again for a coincidence, for no reason and in that department it was bad, I did the 100 days as best I could but not learning much and it hurt ,

then in the department where my roommate ended up, for example he and other guys went only 3 times and signed for 90 days because another guy who had exceptional charisma and didn't mind doing some tricks convinced the head nurse to do this because he said that otherwise it would be difficult to study,

so it happened that the internship didn't do it or very little, I then stupidly used the shoes they had sold us at school instead of slippers like many others, shoes had steel toes, and a big toe turned black and the last months of the internship even if I switched to slippers by now it was really sore and I never graduated in nursing but other bullshit and also a bit of bad luck I didn't cure it in time black nail and I kept pain, my nail fell 5 years ago.

, there were 100 days to do and we had only started in May even the lessons already started on October 1st or the end of September but the internship with us started very late because the university had attendance obligation, many entered with repechage for low scores for having put that place as second or third choice (it's a long and strange story but only me out of 100 people, the class was supposed to be 50 people but then they increased by 30% that year for a special decree and also the year before they had made all those who had taken over in December had not helped them a year earlier, a year earlier they complied with the regulations.



This stuff is just feeling sorry for myself, for years I didn't think about it but after the covid I started to rethink it, I don't know if I would have been a decent nurse, otherwise I wouldn't have wanted to do it but I think that if I had gone to take the second part of that exam, which would have allowed me to attend the third year in June and if I got 22 I would have had a scholarship I had discovered just before that January exam maybe I would have given meaning to my life and deep down it hurts that I had a panic attack a fear that blocked me that day and conditioned me in a thousand ways, I wish I had tried to the end that day or not enrolled in that faculty, I think it couldn't have gone that bad, maybe I didn't graduate anyway but it also happened that people unloaded hatred on me without which I think I deserved it, this 2 people known by sociology group and who I met then is also found in internship, one of them began to say that I smelled, spraying perfume and opening windows on some occasions, saying that I was recommended and a stinker in practice, maybe I didn't graduate elsewhere but maybe this didn't happen to me, at the time I didn't think about it but after many years I think about this thing and those episodes, I also believe that if I had had the drawing it wouldn't have hurt me in some way. Nothing I wrote too much and very badly, sorry.

For the university studies that I didn't finish, it occurred to me if it could have been the sensitivity,
actually if I was 20 years younger, I would have looked for professionals to get help, try to improve, so as not to ruin my life, but now I think there are so many reasons to feel bad.
but even if I had managed to graduate in nursing 11 years ago I would have tried to become a better person if it wasn't really possible on my own, the fact is that I think that if I had taken that exam they then gave everyone that
i who were missing an exam or two, apart from me, but my fault in the end, because i didn't go in the end,
if you stayed in the running then there were 5 exams in the third year (of which the nursing exams in that faculty were more of a formality except that you became an enemy of that professor and I who was only hoping he would ignore me from the first day but I went to the 2 extremes but above all I couldn't take it anymore to go to that classroom .) and I saw that then they had a different attitude while since then I was empty and that exam was now about that test, on those topics that I didn't even know where to find .
a mess, maybe just excuses, but that day of the bus strike many coincidences and even if I had rented another house, like the one that had been free since January and they had hosted me for a couple of days and with the fact that it was further away and I was the first to arrive, the group of people with whom I had spoken was different, they didn't only have a transfer in mind and they were kind, doing sociology with them and not as group leader in practice would have left me months with a lot of time in + d in case of help, reviewing another subject or the gratuitous meanness, the notes that I was unable to print, it was different, I don't believe in curses but before those years I made mistakes and I behaved badly with good people to me and behaved well with those who were bitches with me. But the years in nursing I tried.
I could go back to that day, or he gets braces as a kid so he can smile, or a normal nose, or I lost my hair at 30 and not 20 (I feel guilty because I made a drama about long nose and hair loss, that life can give real problems and people overcome them, they give meaning to life as I started to block myself, make a drama of it, thought that I would have no chance regardless of the rest, that without a normal look I would be unhappy or that I would not work anyway , ), maybe I would have done something good, I just didn't want to waste my life anymore.
I think a degree in that or above all the course that I chose as second choice would have been enough and I would have been even happy, the internship was sometimes difficult, sometimes it was the best days of my life, when some patients seemed to be happy to see me instead of disgusted, or when they had changed departments, every year of internship had 2 departments, in the second I was really happy when I saw that I could learn, but in the end it happened that I reciprocated the department (but I didn't want to) and disappointed those who had believed in me.
it was another 3 years which therefore led to nothing, I was embittered that if there hadn't been a bus strike and that basically it would have been normal for them to tell us the correct date by which to do all the exams except 2 or for my family to tell me when I tried to say that I wanted my mother to come and see me only after the exam they said you're right, study, instead of, still exams, then transferred I couldn't do the vaccine internship that I wanted to do, maybe in the last few years you had to do it even if you didn't want to, it has nothing to do with it, in short, in reality even if I was 8 years younger today I would take things better and I would look for a way for a minimum of independence, in the first year in Rome I was often happy, a small regret I think that in any city in my country I would have been more serene, but now I really have nothing, and I often hate myself that I have cheated me but also my mother, if I had graduated in nursing or in a health profession, it is a long story but it would have been better she too.
now I really don't have anything expendable, I have no confidence in myself and I'm almost 40 years old, had I taken that title even without having carried out that profession, I would have tried to have that profession learned from those who have been doing it for years, a few lessons, and I would have started a path of psychological support.
so if I saw that I was capable of doing it, I would have looked for work if possible in a city, any region other than my own, city and that the weather in the city, apart from a few days of lessons, gave an idea of freedom and it's nicer to move around, then it would also be nice to learn to draw.
try to find pleasure even in small things. in the past i knew it was wrong that i felt bad for some things, sometimes the insurmountable obstacles were more in my head, someone hated me but many were kind, those who hated me didn't even say i was bald, big nose, crooked,(not being able to smile out of shame) ha made me suffer these things that i thought i couldn't change, if there was something that depended on me, i really would have tried.

 

[Artyczar]

Thank you for sharing all that Joe. I wish I had the right words to help you and guide you. I can relate to a lot of your story, like comparing oneself to a sibling who had superior intelligence, etc. That was always difficult for me as well. But it's just poison to compare ourselves to others at all. I know this and have to relearn this constantly. It's an ongoing practice I think. There is so much good in you and you should focus on that, and celebrate it. You have people that support you in your efforts and talents, which are many. You are such a good person and that's all that matters in the big scheme. Love is all that matters. You have so much of that in your heart. I know you know this. Please be kind to yourself. Give yourself a break. Get out of your head. Take more walks. Enjoy your true friends. We support you here.

 

[joe1It]

Ayin thank you very much for the kind and encouraging words

 

[Maybenartist]

Hi Joe.
I read through your story with interest and from what I've noticed of you here, regardless of what you have written. I would say that you are a person who's qualities far outweigh your faults.

I could sit and listen to you any day of the week.

 

[joe1It]

Maybenartist, thanks for the kind words, I appreciate it, thank you.